Grief
This next song is, you guessed it, a song about grief.
Listen here.
In my first 30 years of life, I experienced far less loss than many others I know. The one that sticks with me most while growing up is losing my friend, Michael, to a car accident sophomore year of High School.
Then, in the span of 4 years in my early 30’s, I experienced grief as I never had before. In that time, 3 students that had been deeply involved in my ministry died by suicide, 2 families from our church that we are friends with lost their kids before they turned 1 & a small group leader in my ministry unexpectedly passed away.
Those losses in the span of 4 years wrecked me. I experienced grief at depths I never had before. Maybe the most sacred times in ministry are being able to sit with families in the midst of their overwhelming grief. Those are not times I ever wished for, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to sit with & grieve with those families in some of the worst times life can offer.
One of the things I learned about grief in that season is that there is no end. Time does not heal all wounds. In my own experience, grief would flare up out of nowhere, with very little warning or even understanding of where it came.
To this day - even while writing this - the names of Ty, Ian, Christian, Tage, Lilly & Tal cause a sense of grief & loss to well up inside me. I grieve for my loss, their family’s loss & the world’s loss of the impact they would continue to have in it.
In the midst of one of those moments, with my own grief & the grief of their families on my heart, I sat down & wrote this song about the overwhelming & unpredictable feelings of grief.
I thought I had a handle on this
it’s clear it has its hand on me
thought it was under control
but sometimes I live at its mercy
some say it’s been
long enough to mend
but
It comes in waves
sometimes I ride it fine
others I just capsize
there are days
I can’t seem to fight it back
it comes leaking out of every crack
I never know just how its sparks
but the pilot light always seems lit
sometimes the effect is regret
but sometimes it helps to reminisce
some say it’s been
long enough to mend
but
It comes in waves
sometimes I ride it fine
others I just capsize
there are days
I can’t seem to fight it back
it comes leaking out of every crack
I can’t keep pace
but it’s not just the weight of grief
I’m like a puzzle with a missing piece
sometimes I want it to go
sometimes I don’t
I guess feeling like this
is better than forgetting
I thought I had a handle on this
it’s clear it has its hand on me
maybe one day it'll be under control
but today I’m at its mercy
