Pastime // A Prophet is no Prophet in their Own Mind
Well, today’s the day.
If you haven’t read this older blog entry about my journey toward doing something I’ve been afraid of (releasing original music publicly), you might want to hop over there for a few minutes. Cliffsnotes: I made a challenge to release one original song a month starting with May of 2022 (barely made it).
You can listen here.
I’ve decided to call this project Pastime. There are a few reasons why.
1 is that writing, creating & recording music has been a pastime of mine for over 20 years now. An internal outlet.
2 is that it feels past time that this remains something I’m afraid to share with anyone else.
3 is that the french meaning of the word ‘pas’ is ‘not’. So throwing that together, pastime sort of means ‘not time’ which is the fear-based rationalization that I’ve often let keep me from endeavors like this.
Finally, it’s also a little nod to another lifelong passion of mine…baseball.
It honestly felt dumb & dramatic to name this something, but whatever. Part of this process is trying to let go of those feelings, so Pastime it is.
Along with each song, I’ve decided to also write a blog sharing the lyrics & thoughts behind it. I know that one of the special things about art is that the meaning can lie in the eye of the beholder. So, the point with these isn’t to explain what the songs should mean to you, only what they mean to me.
While there have been some tweaks here & there, this song was almost fully written in one sitting around 2016 during a night of frustration trying to work on something else I was writing.
Negative self-talk has always been a struggle of mine. That tends to be one of my regular challenges in writing a song. I think a line sounds dumb or I second guess an idea or I simply don’t have the talent or ability to pull something off musically.
In one of those moments, the ideas and words of this song just sort of came out. Almost like an encapsulating lament of my creative journey.
Over the past few years, this song has just stuck with me. Partly because it seems to capture my relationship with songwriting & the creative process. I’m so drawn to it, but the attraction never feels met with the same level of competence or confidence.
So, when thinking about the first song I’d release, it felt pretty obvious to me. This song felt like the best depiction of my entire musical venture over the past 18 years:
the insecurity,
the comparison,
the unrealistic expectations,
the wavering motivation & perseverance.
So, before I start releasing songs about my wife, grief, or even fictional stories…it felt like this was the right song to start with. Like it was a peek behind the curtain that is the neurosis of my psyche at times. So, if you’re interested in taking a peek behind that curtain, give it a listen & give the lyrics a read below.
|| A Prophet Is No Prophet In Their Own Mind ||
waiting for a song I’ll never write
can’t find the thoughts to satisfy
persistent waves keep pushing out
the motivation to even try
i’ve got a million lines
i've started with no end
phrases go unresolved
born just to suspend
i wish i could write songs like Pedro the Lion
but a prophet is no prophet in their own mind
i want that headspace of the Mountain Goats
that anxious confidence of Rivers Cuomo
every thought rendered invalid
before it even sees the light of day
consistently at an intersection
yielding the right of way
my fear is i’ll come off
sounding all pretentious
because it’s all been done before
i’ve got nothing new or inventive
maybe my voice won’t be heard till i’m dead & buried
volumes never dared to share, just carried
i write one line and feel like an artist
i write one more and i’m convinced it’s garbage
maybe this is the struggle
for those who create at all
it’s likely i’ll never know for sure
if i cant break this dialogue
i wish i could write songs like Backwards Walk
but a prophet is no prophet in their own thoughts
i wish i could evoke the depths of Julien Baker
but i’m gonna guess these thoughts will only live on paper
i’m thinking it’s past time
to forget it or risk it
just sing these songs of mine
no matter who listens
//
The line “a prophet is no prophet in their own mind” is a bit of a play on words from a quote in the Gospels where Jesus says that no prophet is accepted in his hometown. There was something about the idea that resonated within my own self-consciousness about how I always struggled to view any attempt to create something as ‘good’ because it originated from me.
Thank you for reading & for listening. I’m not sure if any of this music will resonate with anyone, but the journey of battling my own fears to take this step has been a good & healthy journey for me. Thank you for being a part of that.
